Let me introduce you to our pal Mark. He's something of a hero of mine, and gets called Mad because he looks like the kid from the mag of the same name:
So we're sat round a campfire with Mad Mark, downing some cheap lager and having daft chat as we always do. The conversation is "Best ever gig" and Mark hits us with Alice Cooper. Wrong.
We debate the best four Metallica albums. To everyone else, this is simply putting 'Kill 'Em All', 'Ride The Lightning', 'Master of Puppets' and '...And Justice For All' in the correct order (which, incidentally, is MOP, AJFA, RTL and KEA). Not Mark. He lists 'Metallica' and 'Load' and 'Reload' in his top four. Horrific.
Then the conversation turns to "At what age did you lose your virginity?", and while most of the 20-odd campers bore us with stories of being 16 and getting five minutes of missionary, Mark hits us with the story to end all stories.
"I was 13."
"We were in the woods."
I piped up with the obvious question on all our minds: "Were you drinking some cider from a 3 litre bottle?"
"We were drinking some cider from a 3 litre bottle."
This tale was suddenly taking a turn for the fantastic.
"Me and my mate were there with two girls. They both wanted a shag, so I took one and did her against a tree."
"Err, no. So, we finished up and I thought that was that. But then she tells me she wants go back to her place for more."
So what happened?!
"I told her it was my bedtime and that I had to go home. So I went home."
Epilogue - his mate pumped her instead.