Yvonne Smith

Everything that's great about my pal Yvonne can be summed up in one picture:

This is the story, which was later picked up by The Sun and Daily Star, of how Yvonne discovered Biffy Clyro and a year later had spent £10,000 on following them around Europe. The woman is, in a word, silly.

So when the discussion between five of us once came round to dirty sex, Yvonne was at once out of her depth and in disbelief.

"You've never heard of a Donkey Punch?"
"No? What is it?"
"It's when you're doing someone up the bum and as you reach the point of ejaculation, you punch the back of their head to make their anus tighten up."
"What the fuck?! No-one actually does that!"

"What about Blumpy?"
"What's that?"
"When you're getting oral sex while taking a shit."
"Eugh! Gads! That's horrible! No-one actually does that!"
"Dawn's done it."

(Dawn will probably deny this, but it'll sure make for a good rumour)

"You must have heard of Angry Pirate though."
(I mean, who hasn't?)
"No. Do I even want to know?"
"That's when standing up, you're getting oral sex and jizz in the girl's eye. She jumps up in anger, you kick her in the shin and so she's left hopping around on one leg, one defunct eye and screaming "AAAAARGH!" - thus, Angry Pirate."
"That's horrible. That doesn't happen!"

"What about Docking?"
"Docking?"
"Yeah. When two men stand with their dicks out, let the two heads meet, one pulls his skin back while the other pulls his skin forwards and over the other one's head."
"That's awful!"

After a pause where we all enjoyed another giggle at her expense, she came out with something that she has never since lived down.

"Do straight guys do that?"

"Yes, Yvonne. Straight guys, who would never normally look at another man's dick, are the world over docking each other's cocks something rotten. I know there's nothing I love more of a Friday night than getting the boys round, sinking a few cold ones, playing Pro Evo and while the night's still young, housing my best mate's helmet in my foreskin."

Yvonne Smith, ladies and gentlemen.